You Can't Open the Mayonnaise!: Inuyasha
by Mobius Shadow
Summary: Kagome decides she needs a day off and forces Inuyasha into a picnic, where all goes well until he attempts to construct a sandwich and wages war on the mayonnaise from hell.


And now for the second installment (you don't have to have read the first, that's the glory of chainfics) of the YCOM series:  
  
You Can't Open the Mayonnaise!: Inuyasha  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own a lot of things. Inuyasha is one of them. A tool capable of getting this damn jar open is also one of them.  
  
* * *  
  
It was a beautiful morning. The sun was bright, the wind was cool, in a good way, there were no ominous clouds, noises, road signs, or stock market changes. There was only one problem. Inuyasha, who was walking in front of Kagome's bicycle that morning, (" It's good exercise, there's nothing wrong with walking in front of the bicycle for a change") saw it first.  
  
"Uh-oh"  
  
The group of three ground to a halt under an extremely large tree of indeterminate species as Inuyasha stopped suddenly and Kagome gracefully hit him and tipped over.  
  
"And THAT"S why you never walk in front of the bicycle, idiot!"  
  
"Silence!"  
  
Inuyasha was looking over a shallow ridge into the floodplain of a nearby river. In it were encamped about two hundred soldiers, all of whom were dead and mutilated. Specifically, multiple spikes through the body.  
  
"Oh no. And this was looking to be such a good day. I was honestly hoping to relax for a while-"  
  
"There were soldiers here. I can smell them."  
  
"-Maybe get some feeling back into my legs-"  
  
"They didn't ride horses, and I can't smell any of the lubrication oil you have on your mechanical conveyance."  
  
"-Maybe try to think of some reason I continue this journey-"  
  
"Which means they can't be too far away if they're human."  
  
"You're not listening, are you idiot?"  
  
"No, have you been talking- I AM NOT AN IDIOT!"  
  
"SIT!"  
  
Inuyasha had been crouching over the lip of the lip of the floodplain, and suddenly felt his legs crunch flatter in the folding position. Then he tipped forward into the grass.  
  
"That hurt! And I have grass in my hair!"  
  
"SILENCE!" Kagome was quivering. Shippo was asleep. The bicycle, which Inuyasha suddenly realized was rather battered, had pitched him from its basket. "Sometimes I wonder why I even bother continuing this journey. I really do."  
  
"I-"  
  
"SIT! So today, LIKE IT OR NOT, we are going to take a day off, relax, fish, and pretend we are friends. Understand?"  
  
"Do I have a say in this?"  
  
"NO! Shippo, WAKE UP!"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
Kagome's voice softened. "It's time for brunch! We're taking today off. And we're having a pick-nick, okay?"  
  
Inuyasha and Shippo gave her Looks.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Where you lay out a tablecloth, like this one," she fished what appeared to be sailcloth out of the bike basket and spread it out on the ground, "and you take what you want from this basket here. I've got lunchmeat, pancakes, fondue, egg rolls, noodles, salad, and if you fill up the canteen, water. There's also some fruit and condiments. Those are things you make sandwiches with."  
  
"What's a sandwich?" Shippo was wide-awake now.  
  
"You take bread, and meat and mayonnaise, and you put them all together with the bread on the outside and everything else you want on the inside."  
  
"I'll try ham!" Shippo took the proffered components, laid the bread out, placed the meat inside, and lost the battle with the mayonnaise.  
  
"Kagome, it won't open!"  
  
"Are you sure you're not turning it the wrong way?" Kagome took it and slowly started to turn purple with exertion. "No, it IS stuck. She held it up to the sun. On it, in raised glass letters, were the words, in roman letters, ACME, along with other script that was presumably the nutrition facts on the other side. "Huh. Mom must've bought this at the discount store. Inuyasha, can you open this?"  
  
"You made me sit! I don't think I can walk!"  
  
"You don't need to walk to open- would you rather eat fondue? I think I even have the micro burner."  
  
Inuyasha took the jar silently and tried to open the top. It wouldn't move. He grunted and clenched his teeth. His hands were slowly twisting around the cap, and Kagome could see that he was taking the paint off of it. He finally dropped it and looked at it calculatingly.  
  
"Uh oh," said Shippo. "He has that look it his eye."  
  
Inuyasha tossed the jar up in the air a few times to get a feel for it, and then through it as hard as he could at the tree Kagome was standing under. It hit the tree so hard that a large and decaying branch nearly fell and hit her as the jar hit dead level and bounced off at what might have been gravitational escape velocity into the river. Inuyasha turned around, slowly, emphasizing the pain in his legs, bent over like a pump handle, and hiked up his pant legs. He then levered back up and goose-stepped neatly out into the river, bent again, picked up the mayonnaise, and was entirely unprepared for the fish that jumped out of the river and hit him in the face. He screamed, tipped over into the river, and disappeared from view.  
  
* * *  
  
Kagome sat on the blanket and giggled as a dripping wet Inuyasha, still straight-legged to ease the knee pain, marched up to the tree and solemnly dropped both the fish and the jar on the ground.  
  
"I'm sorry, Inuyasha," said Kagome, who was loosing against her laughter, "But if you could have seen it-"  
  
In a flash of an instant a lot of things can happen. Oh course, most of the more outrageous possibilities, like a meteor strike, didn't. But Inuyasha managed to do quite a few things at once. He shouted "Hold Still!" placed the jar on her head, whipped out the Tetsuiga so fast the sun didn't have time to glint off of it, and made a sweeping blow that should have neatly severed the jar in half and ruined Kagome's hair. Instead, the jar was stronger than the sword, so it was sent flying back, off the tree again, and hit Inuyasha between the eyes.  
  
* * *  
  
"What the hell happened?" Inuyasha sat up and accidentally hit Kagome, who was bending over him with what had been an expression of concern.  
  
"Ow!" they both said in unison.  
  
"What was that for?"  
  
"I might ask the same!"  
  
"Can't we all just eat the fruit?" asked Shippo, who had already eaten most of it.  
  
"NO!" they both continued in unison.  
  
"Kagome, I am going to beat that mayonnaise. Where the hell is it?"  
  
"It's not like I hid it, it's-"  
  
"Ah-HA!" Inuyasha picked up the jar. There was a thin and unimpressive line scratched in it and, he now noticed, a lot of soot up near the lid. So: Fire hadn't worked, and sharp objects hadn't worked. There were other methods. "I have an idea! Time to use my worst burden against me!" He ran back to the river, his legs feeling better and his head hurting like hell, and came back with a large flat stone.  
  
"Do I even want to know what you're going to do with that?"  
  
"Watch." He set the stone down next to her, stood the mayonnaise upright, and ran back for another, which he set on top of that. Kagome looked at it criticizing.  
  
"Well, yes, Inuyasha, you've mastered the sandwich perfectly, but you're supposed to use-"  
  
"SILENCE!" He climbed up the tree, and walked cautiously out onto the dead limb. When he was over the two stones, he yelled down "Any time you're ready!"  
  
Shippo dropped his pear.  
  
"You can't mean to-"  
  
"Say 'sit' whenever you're ready, Kagome."  
  
"Look, I think that blow to your head must have knocked you screwy, it is NOT a good idea-"  
  
"I never said it was, just DO IT."  
  
"All right, it's not my fault, SIT!"  
  
Inuyasha braced himself as the necklace glowed and he and the branch dropped like a stone onto the rock sandwich-  
  
-Which, contrary to an Einsteinian universe, was in fact hit in rapid order by Inuyasha, then the branch, which weighed enough to toss Inuyasha back up into the air (Stupid Question: Who here has seen a Coyote-Roadrunner cartoon?) and somehow threw the Mayonnaise jar back up into the air with enough force and at the right trajectory co-ordinates to knock the wind out of him with a direct hit to the stomach. He doubled up, did a back flip, and crashed into the river.  
  
Kagome rushed over to him.  
  
"Inuyasha! I'm so sorry! Here, let me help you up. No, let me have the mayonnaise; I don't think pitching it as hard as you can into Feudal Japan is a good idea. We have to bring it home or history might be changed. Okay, let's have some nice fruit. Okay?"  
  
Inuyasha coughed and spat water. "Yeah. I kind of like fruit. Let's have that cucumber Shippo!"  
  
"Oh, heh-heh. YOU were going to eat that? Oops. He heh. Heh. Uh-oh."  
  
* * *  
  
Well, I thought it was good, anyway. Please R&R! 


End file.
